Forum Arane Riders

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SHIT HAPPENS:

Religions:

TAOISM - Shit Happens

HARE KRISHNA - Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding

HINDUISM - This Shit Happened Before

ISLAM - If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage

ZEN - What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening?

BUDDHISM - When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit?

CONFUCIANISM - Confucias Say, "Shit Happens"

7TH DAY ADVENTIST - Shit Happens On Saturdays.

PROTESTANTISM - Shit Won'T Happen If I Work Harder

CATHOLICISM - If Shit Happens I Deserve It.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESS - Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens"

UNITARIAN - What Is This Shit

MORMON - Shit Happens Again & Again & Again...

JUDAISM - Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Me?

RASTAFARIANISM - Let's Smoke This Shit.

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If the literature criticist is an unsuccessful writer, so the tax collector is an unsuccessfull businessman.

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Yesterday a russian tourist had badly beaten the Lichtenstein's army...

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- Why football is not popular in Luxemburg?
- Because the football often goes either in France, either in Italy...

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- Yesterday I cought a fish like that (showing is arm).
- I don't believe you! There aren't fishes that hairy!

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And the stupidest I know... one of my favorites ^^

Three horses are galooping hapilly in the praerie - a Father, a Mother and their child. They were running hapilly, enjoying life, the sun, the nature, and suddenly - a deep canion appeared in fron of them. The father saw it in time and he managed to gain speed and jump over it. The mother saw it in the last moment and hardly managed to jump over it. But the child horse was looking at butterflies, clouds and didn't even see the canion and fell in it.
- OMG, my child! My life! My life is worthless without my child - said the mother horse and threw herself in the canion.
- Damn... the kid, the wife... Naah, I it's stupid - said the father horse and also jumped in the canion
Few moments later an angry shout arose:
- F.ck guys! Stop throwing horses at me!

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Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf in heaven. They came to a small lake, and Moses's golf ball went straight for the lake, and he rose his hands, the waters went away, making a passage and the ball made it through. Then Jesus's ball also went straight for the lake, he rose his hands into the air, and the ball went over the water surface. Then the old man shoot his ball straight into the lake, it sank, a fish ate it, then an eagle went straight into the lake, cought the fish, flew away and then a lightning struck him, and the ball fell straight into the last hole
- Jesus, I'm not playing golf with your father anymore!

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A hunter went into the forest, and saw a bear. He firmly aimed and fired, forgetting that he has loded shells for rabbits. The bear angrilly rushed to him and said:
- I will either eat you, or f.ck you! What do you choose?
The hunter prefered to live. Embarassed he wanted revenge. He loaded the biggest shells into his rifle, saw the bear again. Aimed, shoot the first - missed, the second barrell only scrathched the bear's ear. The bear rushed to him with the same offer. He again choose life. Filled with anger the hunter bought an AK47, several granades, a bazooka and went searching for the bear's cave. He found it, threw the granades, shot with the bazooka, an he heard a bear voice right behind him:
- Dude, I'm starting to wonder - are you a hunter, or just a gay?

Itherus · Dołączył: 20 Wrz 2008 Posty: 660 Przeczytał: 0 tematów

CATHOLICISM - If Shit Happens I Deserve It.

RASTAFARIANISM - Let's Smoke This Shit.

Those two rocks !!!!

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Lucifer went to heaven, and started knocking on the door. Saint Peter opened and in surprise:
- What are you doing here, you fallen one?!
- Dude, let's think something of these gamers?
- What do you mean?
- I mean - stop sending dead gamers to hell.
- Why?
- Well, to start, many of them started killing our lesser demons, the idiots formed some clan, and already killed Asmodei, Beelzebub, Belphegor, Belial, and at the moment, they are camping my throne room, and even compaining about the bad drop from the other demons...

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- What is the difference between programmers and politics?
- The programmers gets paid for working programs...

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- What is acupuncture?
- Profitable sadism

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- What would you have? Wodka or whiskey?
- ...and a beer Razz

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If you get home, the house is clean, the kids are doing their homework, your wife is cooking your favorite meal... then it's obvious that they had screwed your PC :]

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Teacher examines a student:
- Where did men came from?
- God created them.
- You're wromng - they evolved from primates.
- Miss, I don't care about your family. God created Men.

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Two friend smoked some weed, and were walking down the streets.
- Dude, a police car. Act natural. Try to smile
...
- Idiot, stop smiling, we're in the police car...

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A man was staying at home, when his bell rang. He opened the door and saw a purple elephant, a green jiraffe with a blue pigeon on his head. The pigeon spoke:
- We recieved a signal that you posses some LSD...

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Three friends tried some weed, and wanted to go to a disco. They called a taxi, and the most sober of them said:
- We don't wanna get caught, being stoned, so we stay silend and do not speak.
They went in the cab, and few minutes later the driver asked:
- Guys, the weed was good?
- How did you know?!
- Well, all three of you are sitting at the front seat and say nothing...

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- Why are you so sad?
- I'm not sad. I'm sober.

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Trans oceanic flight. The captain is speaking:
- Dear passanger, we're currently flying 30k meters above the sea level, the outside temperature is 30 degrees below zero and we... OMG, OH NO! WTF!? SH.T!
Few minutes - total silence.
- Dear passangers - the captain spoke again - sorry for the emotional shouts, but the stewardess spilled some hot coffe over my pants... you have to see what my pants look like
Angry shouts from the passangers:
- You should see what my underwear looks like!!

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Two guys, heavily drunk knocked late at night at the door of a brothel. The sleepy pimp opens:
- What would you like?
- What can you offer for 5 euro?
- For 5 euro you can make each other blowjobs.
Thirty minutes later they again knock on the door:
- Who do we have to pay?

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- You are an idiot! And your jokes are stupid!
- Will you marry me?!
- You serious???
- Naah, just jokin' ^^

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...and at the end of the party (not ingame, real party) I realised I'm speaking in english and everyone understands me...

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Taken from various auto forums:

Bentley
"Today I used the ashtray. How to change it?"

Mustang:
"Some funny guy with a Honda was trying to race with me today"

Honda:
"Some funny guy with a Mustang was trying to race with me today"

McLaren F1:
"Some funny guy with a F16 was trying to race with me today"

Lada:
"When was the last time you used your car?"

Lamborghini
"I hear a strange noise around 340-350 km/h"

Mini:
"Some idiot with a Touareg hit me today (pics)"

VW Touareg:
"I have some Mini stuck between my front left tire and the fender (pics)"

Toyota:
"What batteries should I use AA or AAA?"

Hummer:
"Today I crashed. 10 dead, 24 wounded. Is it manditory to get the black paint from the official Hummer dealer, cause he's 25 kilometers away, and that's 50 euro for gasoline"

Fiat:
"Hello!! Oh... am I the only one registered?"

Ford:
"Help! I changed everything and the car still won't run!"

Honda CRX:
"My neighbor's dog is sleeping in my exhuast pipe. Will this cause me any problems?"

Renault:
"I'm selling a monthly card for the city transport. My car got out of the service earlier than predicted"

Smart:
"I installed engine from a chainsaw. Finally - some power!"

Opel:
"My car has no rust"! (topic closed by moderator)

Lancia:
"Is there a life after service?"

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Terrorists in Russia!

Day1. We captured the Moscow airport. We cought hostages. We barricaded ourselves. Everyone is drinking.
Day2. All of us are drinking again. I almost died.
Day3. We had some beers for the hangover. We demanded a plane and beer for everyone.
Day4. The authority gave us what we want. We drank the beer. The hostages refuse to go away. We have to sell our weapons - no beer.
Day5. The special forces came. We traded grenades for wodka. All of us got drunk.
Day6. The whole day we spent searching for the plane. We finally found it and sold it. We drank away the money.
Day7. We waited the counter terrorist forces. They promissed to bring more wodka.
Day8. We drank away all the wodka. In the morning I felt sick. Paramedics came. They brought spirit. A slight improvement.
Day9. Some people came. They said they're hostages. They didn't bring anything. We traded them for wodka.
Day10. We captured the fuel storage of the airport. The kerosine tastes like hell.
Day11. I can't stand this kerosine anymore!
Day12. We want to surrender. The hostages won't let us. They said that they'll beet the shit out of us if we try. We again drank kerosine.
Day13. HELP! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!

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Time to end your monopoly, Anutris.

Lithuanian Eurovision song's (it was adapted for Eurovision, originaly this song was in lithuanian and the words had much more sense Wink

) lyrics:

"If you really love the love you say
Youll love with a love
Then surely that love would love
Then surely that love would love to love you back

If you really love the love you say
Youll love with a love
Then surely that love would love
Then surely that love will love you back

If you really love
If you really love the love you say
Youll love with a love
Then surely that love would love
Then surely that love would love to love you back

If you really love the love you say
Youll love with a love
Then surely that love would love
Then surely that love
Then surely that love
Then surely that love will love you back
Will love you back"

Guess what's the name of the song? Surprisingly, "Love" Laughing

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- What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
- "Dam!"

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- What's E.T. short for?
- Cause he's got tiny little legs.

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- What's green, airborne and wobbly?
- A jellycopter.

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- What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
- The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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- What do you call Santa's helpers?
- Subordinate Clauses. DUN DUN DUHNNNNN!

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...For these I'm sure you're gonna hate me!

- What do you get when you stab a baby with a kitchen knife?
- An erection!

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- How to raise your I.Q.?
- By eating gifted children.

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- How to prevent a baby from crawling in circles on the floor?
- By nailing his other hand too.

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A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

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In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

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When you’re having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

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Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

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Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

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Crafters and spoilers - pls, don't get insulted, nothing personal!

How do you save a dwarf from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

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What do you throw a drowning dwarf?
His wife and children.

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A true sysadmin can survive a month after a nuclear war, feeding from the food left in his keyboard, and browsing from the cash of the proxy server ^^

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Now I know why people's hair become gray... their toner ends...

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- Oh, please, don't tell me you slept at your best friend! I slept with him - you weren't there!

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The world financial crysis went into Bulgaria and said: "There's no place like home!"

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Call to phone support: "It was bad. Now it's worse. Make it bad again"

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And a real case. I thought I already posted it, but seems I'm wrong...

A girl from the production sector comes to my place and says that one of the computers there crashed:
- The PC had totaly blocked. It isn't working, it isn't responding.
I went there, with a slight suspicion, knowing that the PCs in the production sector are total crap and my work there is necromancy, reviving death PCs. So I went there, to find the perchidroll blonde looking at me with the her dumb, brainless eyes, and a hurricane of spam hit me:
- My PC isn't working, it doesn't respond, it's stuck, see - I write the code of the products and nothing appears, it's totaly stuck, fix it, I can't work, I'm off schedule, I cannot work in such conditions, etc...
And to display it, she chaoticly slammed the numeric keys... With a quick glimpse I saw something, and quickly pressed the NumLock key, and while I was quickly leaving (didn't want to explode in my laughter) said
- You're OK now.

s3th · Dołączył: 29 Wrz 2008 Posty: 662 Przeczytał: 0 tematów

""Call to phone support: "It was bad. Now it's worse. Make it bad again" " - my favourite Very Happy

But it is hard to translate into polish so I can enjoy this joke on my own ;D

s3th · Dołączył: 29 Wrz 2008 Posty: 662 Przeczytał: 0 tematów

Couple of sic! jokes : enjoy

how do you fit 100babies in a bucket?
With a blender.

How do you get them back out?
With tortilla chips

Whats the difference between a rock, and a dead baby?
A rock, cant be fucked

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken

Why did the toddler drop his lollypop?
He was hit by a truck.

Whats gets louder as it gets smaller?
a baby in a trash compactor

What does a dead baby sound like in a blender?
I don't know, i couldn't hear over the sound of me masturbating

how do you get a baby down from a tree?
With a shotgun.

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YOU SICK BASTARD!! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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Sweet